........Harry Potter and the Philosphers Stone!

That’s right it’s time for another terribly written review, stabbing the knife in and twisting it around until the English Language has drawn its last breath because I’ve abused and misused it so many times, still lets continue.  I think some of you are just getting used me popping up from time to time and have just accepted that I’m here, a bit like aids or China.  However, this month’s/weeks/years review is …………… Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone!  Sit back, strap in and prepare to be disappointed. (Warning there may be some spoilers because I don’t care).

Ahhhh yes, I remember seeing The Philosophers Stone as a small child thinking it was the greatest thing since Sunny D.  Then I remember playing the video game and falling absolutely in love with it, awww happy memories ….. looking back I must have been high because the game seems like a bitter disappointment.  I’m no genius but seeing that the games called:  Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone the Game, you’d have thought that whoever is buying it would have seen the film especially since it was released alongside it?  “Harry, do you remember me?  I’m Ron Weasly”  Seeing you’re the only ginger kid in this whole fucking castle beside your 17 brothers then yes I bloody remember you!  Although his voice could have thrown me off it seemed like they grabbed any 10 year old off the street and asked him if he wanted a job.  A 10 year old doesn’t want a job he wants to climb trees and eat chocolate and wonder where babies come from.  I wanted to hear Rupert Grint’s voice if it wasn’t going to be him then Ron’s voice may as well have been played by a middle ages black woman……... from the hood……. called Kelly…….

Still at least you get to learn magic…….wrong!  First lesson: this is how you climb…. I want to learn fucking spells and wave my wand around pretending I’m a bad ass mofo when really the only spell I can do is to lift a plant pot in the air and it’s fucking useless unless you’re going to give up this magic shit and start your own gardening service.  I know how to climb!  I’ve not just shot out my mother’s vag and am new to the world.  Lesson two:  “Do you know how to jump Harry?”   Fuck me!  Jumping?  Heavens above what cutting edge skills are we going to learn next?  God forbid if it’s running.  However shortly after this you’re introduced to Peeves, a ghost …… Sweet Jesus I fucking hate that ghost!  The Ghost Busters would have a field day in Hogwarts, just anything to get rid of that prick!  Also a ghost that tries to kill pupils and no one raises an eye brow?  Health and Safety would be closing Hogwarts faster than you can say Quidditch.

Speaking of Quidditch, fly through the hoops ….. as a child; yey I can fly!  As a 19 year old; lets fly to the edge of the map and see if I can glitch out, Madam Hooch did not like that!  Who cares she isn’t even a real professor, she’s about the equivalent to a slightly rapey P.E teacher.  On the subject of professors if the lessons they taught were that easy to learn everyone including Nick Griffin would be a wizard.  “Follow the pattern on the screen, well done!  You just learnt Wingardium Leviosa!”  Actually Nick Griffin would probably just shout at the screen cause he saw a black wizard run past.

There are things I still love about the game such as the free roam aspect; you can disappear within Hogwarts for days on end.  That is until you bump into Fred and George who are literally the same person in the game, that must have been a hard day at the office; we’ve created Fred and we’ve got until the end of next week to create George ….looks like ill get to go on that holiday after all….

Who by the way don’t let you past certain area’s if you don’t have enough flavoured beans.  When the hell were they put in charge?  If you’re not letting me through then fine one of you kill Voldemort be my guest, (SPOLIER) in fact I’m glad Fred dies in the last book teach him to block my fucking corridors!

Earlier on I said if you had bought this game there’s a good chance you’ve seen the film, well in many places this goes straight out the window.  For instance they reintroduce the Troll (I’m talking about the Cave Troll not Brittney Spears) after the chess scene at the end of the game.  Why?  Fuck it might as well have the Sorting Hat at the end of the game, why does it have to be set in a castle could just take place on a desert island in the middle of Leith Water World by those standard.

If you do actually make it to the end of the game without killing Fred before his time, then you’ve seen that the ending is really unsly.  “You expected someone else didn’t you Potter?” said professor Quirrell.  No, no not really I watched the film last night I knew it was you……

Well on that really unsly finish I’m going to end this ‘review’ if you can call it that.  In closing my 10 year old self would like to say that this game has been outstanding.  Back to the present day and ill just keep mocking the shit out of it, good night everyone.

Star Rating:

Let’s see ……… 4 out of 5!  For making my younger self very happy and giving my present self something to abuse.  Would have been 5 but the Sorting Hat placed me in Hufflepuff ……cunt.

This star rating is out of Twilight pictures just for the hell of it.

Email: original602@googlemail.com

....Naughts and Crosses

You all know what time it is, its time for you to snuggle into bed and gently drift off into a calm relaxing sleep whilst reading a fairly dreadful game review.  Let me find my reviewing hat.

Oh fuck off Organic Sponge, "I hate you Organic Sponge go to hell …" those kind words didn't come from inside your head they came directly from my mother but i'm sure you agree with her.  I seem to be appearing like the one fat guy that keeps trying to squeeze himself into an already full jacuzzi, unwanted.  Nevertheless, this weeks/months/years (these reviews are about as timely as Margaret Thatchers periods) has landed on …. Naughts and Crosses!  

       

…..Don't act surprised the standards are low.  Why?  Let me just describe to you what's in front of me; an empty box chocolates, a ball-point pen and some random sheets of paper.  Can't really do much with the empty box of chocolates apart from chuck it out the window in the hope it will knock out the post man, teach him to deliver my mail 3 pm, its not casual fucking Friday everyday! He wasn't even wearing a Royal Mail uniform, and the package was much smaller than I anticipated and made a strange ticking noise … come to think of it I never saw that postman again…  

With dead postman's in mind, the game was invented in ….. (failed at the first hurdle Organic Sponge, just pick a really old date and roll with it, fuck it; 1136) was invented in 1136 and the aim of the game is to place 3 'Naughts' or 3 'Crosses' in a row before the other player does and if you didn't already know that then where the hell have you been?!?  You can also tally up your scores to see who wins over a time period if your spastic like that and gloat at the fact you beat your granddad 81 games to nil even though he has a respirator and can barley stand up.  

Hmmmm, thats about it I can't express how simple this game is what more do you want me to say?!  Don't stare at me with those big eyes… I shall consult wikipedia then ahah!  Apparently it was created around the first century BC … well that completely goes against what i've said, also its correct name is Tic-tac-toe so this whole review that you've just read is wrong … 10 lines down I said the expectations are low, I wasn't lying.  Since this is at the very beginning of the year I intended this to be an 'Express'  review (aka a short review cause I can't be bothered) eh, I mean i'm easing myself back in... yeah.

Star Rating

Emmmmmm fuck it 5 out of 5!  For giving me something to do during the countless number of classes from high school that dropped me to suicidal levels of boredom.  This star rating is out of funny animal pictures because..... I've got nothing, no idea to be honest.

Longer Review next time its only the 6th of January for gods sake.  

Email: original602@googlemail.com

.....Theme Hospital

......thats right you read the title correctly.  But why am I reviewing Theme Hospital?  Is it because I have no money and am about as rich as 'generic homeless man #2' in the film 'the road' (i'm not even going to give the film capitals it was that shit).  Or is it that there's nothing good out at the moment?  Well i'm writing this at a time when Batman Arkham City, Modern Warfare 3,  Battlefield 3 and Skyrim have been released.... or is it because i'm only a few lines into this and you already fucking despise me?  Its a combo of all three plus the sexy mysterious option number 4 that keeps suggestively winking at me from across the table; i'm a lazy bastard and it was the first game that came to hand.

"Don't Speak" by No Doubt, "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band, remember these absolute classic's?  ...nope neither do I but its the same year that brought you Theme Hospital; glorious 1997.  Better late than never I suppose, actually I always thought that was one hell of a bad saying it's like Hitler turning up at the French border in 1951, better late than never eh Frenchy?  Horrible thought, a bit like me trying to review any type of game.  With that being said the aim of the game is to kill every single human on the face of the planet, oh wait thats not the aim thats just how terrible I was at playing it.  The aim is to create, expand, upgrade,  improve, enhance, (enter other fancy words here) a hospital until you can bankrupt the NHS.  The more and more patients you 'cure' the better reputation you get resulting in the more money being pumped into your wallet for you to spend it on 50 thousand vending machine because what sick person doesn't enjoy Lucozade?  Oh and there's a board game element to it at the start and end of each level as a way of saying "Well done your death rate has plummeted you can advance to the next level!"  Thats only because everyone stopped coming to my fucking hospital it was like death row in there, the plants even lost the will to live and there was no janitor to water them he hung himself....  Plus who the hell would want to advance anyway?  They rip you away from your hospital that you just spent the last hour getting right to be dropped into what I can only guess is the world quietest village with all of two rooms at your disposal.  Come on Organic Sponge 'cure' more people will you, is what the game shouts at me even though it dropped me in the Sahara desert where i've only had 2 patients in the last 5 weeks and it was the same person returning because he lost his keys...

If you've noticed i've been putting the word cure in apostrophes, yes Theme Hospital gives you bigger and better equipment for you to spend your hard earned cash on but the methods of these machines relate back to medieval times!  Christ I would never want to stumble across my hospital; between popping peoples inflatable heads to making invisible people reappear, one does wonder how the hell they got into these situations.  That's the point of Theme Hospital it's light hearted fun, its not exactly going to turn round and say "You've been diagnosed with cancer, but our hospital is only at level 3 come back in 6 months if your still with us" and i'm glad it doesn't!  To be honest, the light hearted problems is what I believe are the real aim of the game; how many inflatable heads can you pop by the end of the level.  I got up to 63 before I was taken in for man slaughter....

But christ, if you thought I was bad God is the real villain in Theme Hospital.  Which leads me nicely on to equipment status, they made it so retards could understand it; 10 meaning: a brand new machine and 1 meaning: sweet jesus its gonna blow!  I say 'God is the real villain' as natures elements also have their part to play.  For example; a patient of mine entered my hospital (mistake number 1) and had to use the full body scan machine but having wasted all of my money on vending machines I had none left to fix the full body scan which was on setting 1.  As she entered the machine a rumbling and shaking started to occur with a message being displayed "Earthquake, number 8 on the Richter Scale"...... before I knew it there was a ghost with wings being lifted up to heaven.  Sure the machine was on its last legs but it wasn't her time god damn it!  She was married to one of my 30 odd janitors all watering plants (the place looked like a jungle, pretty sure a there was a tiger mauling patients somewhere in there) but why she went to heaven i'll never know I think she was having an affair with the physiatrist, seemed to spend a suspiciously large amount of time in his office and she only checked in with a high fever....

A worker never blames his tools but i'm not much of a worker and even though 'Blogger' will let me write until my hearts content I will lie and say theres a character limit because i'm tired and hungry and its 2011 why the fuck am I playing Theme Hospital!?  In closing i'll tell you why; because it truly is a masterpiece and a classic and you can pick up janitors and drop them in the toilets when someone is unleashing a monster.

Star Rating:
I always thought rating things out of stars was pointless so i'm going to rate this out of Cat Women; 4 Cat Women out of 5 (the Cat Woman I missed out was Eartha Kitt cause she's useless at crossing the road let alone fighting crime)

Email: original602@googlemail.com