That’s right it’s time for another terribly written review, stabbing the knife in and twisting it around until the English Language has drawn its last breath because I’ve abused and misused it so many times, still lets continue. I think some of you are just getting used me popping up from time to time and have just accepted that I’m here, a bit like aids or China. However, this month’s/weeks/years review is …………… Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone! Sit back, strap in and prepare to be disappointed. (Warning there may be some spoilers because I don’t care).
Ahhhh yes, I remember seeing The Philosophers Stone as a small child thinking it was the greatest thing since Sunny D. Then I remember playing the video game and falling absolutely in love with it, awww happy memories ….. looking back I must have been high because the game seems like a bitter disappointment. I’m no genius but seeing that the games called: Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone the Game, you’d have thought that whoever is buying it would have seen the film especially since it was released alongside it? “Harry, do you remember me? I’m Ron Weasly” Seeing you’re the only ginger kid in this whole fucking castle beside your 17 brothers then yes I bloody remember you! Although his voice could have thrown me off it seemed like they grabbed any 10 year old off the street and asked him if he wanted a job. A 10 year old doesn’t want a job he wants to climb trees and eat chocolate and wonder where babies come from. I wanted to hear Rupert Grint’s voice if it wasn’t going to be him then Ron’s voice may as well have been played by a middle ages black woman……... from the hood……. called Kelly…….
Still at least you get to learn magic…….wrong! First lesson: this is how you climb…. I want to learn fucking spells and wave my wand around pretending I’m a bad ass mofo when really the only spell I can do is to lift a plant pot in the air and it’s fucking useless unless you’re going to give up this magic shit and start your own gardening service. I know how to climb! I’ve not just shot out my mother’s vag and am new to the world. Lesson two: “Do you know how to jump Harry?” Fuck me! Jumping? Heavens above what cutting edge skills are we going to learn next? God forbid if it’s running. However shortly after this you’re introduced to Peeves, a ghost …… Sweet Jesus I fucking hate that ghost! The Ghost Busters would have a field day in Hogwarts, just anything to get rid of that prick! Also a ghost that tries to kill pupils and no one raises an eye brow? Health and Safety would be closing Hogwarts faster than you can say Quidditch.
Speaking of Quidditch, fly through the hoops ….. as a child; yey I can fly! As a 19 year old; lets fly to the edge of the map and see if I can glitch out, Madam Hooch did not like that! Who cares she isn’t even a real professor, she’s about the equivalent to a slightly rapey P.E teacher. On the subject of professors if the lessons they taught were that easy to learn everyone including Nick Griffin would be a wizard. “Follow the pattern on the screen, well done! You just learnt Wingardium Leviosa!” Actually Nick Griffin would probably just shout at the screen cause he saw a black wizard run past.
There are things I still love about the game such as the free roam aspect; you can disappear within Hogwarts for days on end. That is until you bump into Fred and George who are literally the same person in the game, that must have been a hard day at the office; we’ve created Fred and we’ve got until the end of next week to create George ….looks like ill get to go on that holiday after all….
Who by the way don’t let you past certain area’s if you don’t have enough flavoured beans. When the hell were they put in charge? If you’re not letting me through then fine one of you kill Voldemort be my guest, (SPOLIER) in fact I’m glad Fred dies in the last book teach him to block my fucking corridors!
Earlier on I said if you had bought this game there’s a good chance you’ve seen the film, well in many places this goes straight out the window. For instance they reintroduce the Troll (I’m talking about the Cave Troll not Brittney Spears) after the chess scene at the end of the game. Why? Fuck it might as well have the Sorting Hat at the end of the game, why does it have to be set in a castle could just take place on a desert island in the middle of Leith Water World by those standard.
If you do actually make it to the end of the game without killing Fred before his time, then you’ve seen that the ending is really unsly. “You expected someone else didn’t you Potter?” said professor Quirrell. No, no not really I watched the film last night I knew it was you……
Well on that really unsly finish I’m going to end this ‘review’ if you can call it that. In closing my 10 year old self would like to say that this game has been outstanding. Back to the present day and ill just keep mocking the shit out of it, good night everyone.
Star Rating:
Let’s see ……… 4 out of 5! For making my younger self very happy and giving my present self something to abuse. Would have been 5 but the Sorting Hat placed me in Hufflepuff ……cunt.
This star rating is out of Twilight pictures just for the hell of it.
Email: original602@googlemail.com
